nightmerish dreams
by DevilsAshes
Summary: a btvsatvs crossover. Join the daughter of spike and willow through her journey of self discovery as she faces the hardships of a broken home and abusive bofriend. rated M for abuse and language.will get worse later on. Dark fic.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

I still remember the world

From the eyes of a child

Slowly those feelings

Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone

An uneven trade for the real world

I want to go back to

Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun

Always warm on my back

Somehow seems colder now

Where has my heart gone

Trapped in the eyes of a stranger

I want to go back to believing in everything

-Evanescence

_Walk down the mile at the end of the aisle; give your life to my charms in the admiral's arms._

The music blasted through my mind clearing away all the problems and replacing it in a fantasy world. Where my life was almost perfect. My fantasy world was shattered though when the voices of my parents rose. No matter how high I turn my music up, I can still hear them. Nothing helps.

My life has gone to hell in the past four years. And there is no way to stop it. As I start playing with the blade I bought two years ago I could not help but wonder what would happen if I cut? Would I feel better? Or would I have the pain of the cut to deal with on top of everything else? I do not know. I slowly put the blade back into the bottom drawer under the false bottom I made for it. I look at the clock and realize I am late.

I hurry out my window and down my willow tree, not chancing walking through the war zone our living room has become. The streets are eerily quite, like they know a secret and will not share. I walk faster. Someone reaches out and pushes me against the wall. I am so startled that at first I did not realize who it was and started to struggle.

"Where have you been?" the hissing voice quickly stops all my struggles and leaves my mind to come up with and answer.

"I-I'm sorry. I lost track of time."

All of a sudden, I felt a searing pain in my stomach. I would have fallen down, if not for the bruising hold he had on my arms.

"How many times do I have to tell you I hate excuses!"

He lets go and I fall to my knees. Pain explodes in my back and I fall down all the way. The kicks and punches rain down on my back. It is a good while before he stops.

"Get up!"

I slowly start to get up. The pain is just scarcely tolerable. He grabs my arm in a firm hold and walks me down to a near by gas station. He walks in and gets the key to the bathroom. He comes out and directs me to the bathroom and shoves me in.

"Get cleaned up!"

I walk over and lock the door. I walk over to the sink area and get some paper towels to wash my face and cuts. I grabbed the bag I brought with me and changed into some non-ripped and bloody clothes. As I walk out, he is leaning against a wall with a Hershey's cookies and cream bar and strawberry milk. I walk slowly over trying to prevent any more pain but failing miserably.

He holds out the chocolate bar and milk as peace offerings. He slowly reaches out and pulls me into a bear hug. It takes all my will power not to cry out. I concentrate on what words out of his mouth.

"I am so sorry baby. It will never happen again. I promise. It is just you got here thirty minuets late and you know how I hate to wait."

I slowly realize that it is going to happen repeatedly. No matter what he says? Deep down something will not let me believe him. I realize that eventually I am going to have to leave him or, die. I start to cry and hold on to him, running my finger through his hair, telling him everything is going to be all right, but not believing it myself. Slowly we break apart and I allow the mask I have developed to fall in place.

He looked into my eyes and I wonder what he sees. He slowly leans toward me and gives me a gentle kiss on the lips. Silently pleading with me not to tell and reminding me that he can be gentle as well as harsh. He takes the key back to the gas station clerk. While he is gone, I take the time to wipe away the tears on my check and get compose.

Hands slipped around my waist, and I turn around and see its him.

"How are you feeling?"

I bite back the sarcastic remark that comes to mind.

"Not so well."

I do not want to say in pain because he will get angry again. Besides, I learned a very young age how to tolerate the pain.

"You look paler than normal and you have bags under your eyes. How have you been sleeping?"

"I sleep three hours and wake up having nightmares that drive away sleep the rest of the night."

That is not the only kind of dreams that drive away sleep. The others are more disturbing featuring a tall and dark vampire I have never met.

"How about we skip the party and I walk you home so you can get some sleep?"

"Ok."

We held hands as we started walking. As we got a couple of houses down, I stopped him.

"This is where you should stop. If they see me with you, not only will I get the third degree about where I have been but you will too. I will get gr- "

He was kissing me. It lasted only a few moments, but was enough to shut me up.

"It's ok. I will watch you from here. Make sure you get in alright."

I walk up the porch and immediately here the yelling.

'''They are your sons. You should talk to them, control them, -"

"Oh! No! Don't you dare bring this on me. You are the one who brought them into this world, shouldn't you have some maternal bond with them. And you helped raise them!"

I slam the door shut to try to draw the fight away from where it is going. I start up the stairs, and just as I planned, they stop me.

"And where did you go, young lady?"

"I went out for a walk and as I was coming in the wind picked up and the door got away from me."

"Why were you taking a walk this time of night?"

"I just needed to clear my head. I am going to go upstairs and take a hot bath. Is that ok?"

My mom opened her mouth, but before she could get any sound out my dad said, "it's ok. I will come up and check on you before I leave for work. Ok?"

"Ok."

I could tell by the look on my moms face that my effort to stop the fight failed, in fact it fueled it more. I went upstairs and started running the bath. I got in and relaxed letting the water take away the pain. After awhile I got out and got dressed. I looked in the mirror not recognizing myself. In front of me stood a battered and broken child silently screaming for help instead of the young naively vibrant woman I used to be.

I remember when my life used to be good. The whole family would go out on really cloudy days and go to the movie theaters, theme parks, and have a really great time. I remember when I would have a nightmare, my dad would come in and sing to me until I slept peacefully again. As I stand here looking in the mirror wondering, how we got here. Where did it all go? How did I get to this place? Where is the person I used to be?

I have no answers to the questions I just asked. I want to yell, scream, and cry. Most of all, I want to run into my daddy's arms and feel safe. I want to tell him what is happening and have him make the nightmare that used to be my life go away, but I cannot. Instead, I bottle up all my feelings and slide the mask into place and go answer my door.

"How's my little devil doing?"

I walk over and sit on my bed while he chooses the chair next to it.

"I'm a little tired."

"How's school."

"School is fine and the work I can do in my sleep."

"Well I'll just go and let you get some sleep."

"Daddy?"

"Yea"

"Sing me to sleep."

A smile appears on his face.

"You haven't asked me to do that in years. What would you like me to sing?"

"It doesn't matter."

I lay down, getting comfortable while he racks his brain to think of a song. He sits down and pulls the chair to the bed.

" TIME GOES BY AND GOD KNOWS I TRY TO CARRY ON WITH LIFE

DECIDE NOT TO HIDE THE FEELINGS INSIDE, EVEN THOUGH THEY HURT SOMETIMES,

I FORGET TO REMEMBER YOU

IT'S EASY TO LOCK AWAY THESE PAINS, DON'T WANT TO RELIVE IT THROUGH

BUT I STAYED STRONG, YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO MOVE ON IN THIS WORLD

I MARRIED MY SWEET HEART AND EVEN GOT A LITTLE BABY GIRL

I WISH YOU COULD SEE HER, I SWEAR SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU

IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SHOW ME A SIGN, PLEASE SEND ME A BUTTERFLY OR TWO

I'M THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)

I KNOW WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER (WE MADE IT THROUGH)

NOW I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE

TO GIVE UP YOURSELF

THINGS HAVE CHANGED, AT TIMES IT GETS KIND OF STRANGE

YOUR LOVE REMAINS THE SAME

DO I MAKE YOU PROUD? MAMA, CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?

WHATEVER IS GOOD IN ME IS BECAUSE YOU SHOWED ME HOW TO TAKE LOVE THE HAND

AND SO NO I CAN SHARE YOU WITH MY BABY

SO THAT SHE CAN UNDERSTAND

IM THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)

I KNOW WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER (WE MADE IT THROUGH)

IM THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)

I KNOW WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER (WE MADE IT THROUGH)

IM THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)

IM TRIPPING ON WHATEVER (HEARING YOU)."

I lean over to hug him, pushing back tears, trying to find the words to tell him what is happening.

"Daddy I-"

I look at him and the look in his eyes stop me.

"Daddy I love you."

"I love you too, but you need to get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on my account."

He kisses me on the top of the head and leaves. After he shuts the door, the tears start to fall. The words I love you were false. He does not love me. He loves the young woman I used to be and he is so wrapped up that he does not realize that she is gone. I turn on my radio so no one can hear me sob myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

I am the angel of lost souls

Chylde of pain borne unto darkness

I dwell amongst the shadows

Of what may have been

A myriad of broken promises

And shattered dreams my burden

Yet still I move on

With broken wings and tears of blood

For in my heart and soul I know

That there exists more than this

Somewhere beyond the shadows

If only I can find it.

-Unknown

_**I bolt through a forest trying to escape him. I flee as fast as I can, knowing I am about to give out from exhaustion. I hear him behind me, striding at a leisurely pace, laughing at me.**_

_**I stumble into a clearing and as I am trying to get up, all the mental, physical, and emotional pain that I have experienced over the years hits me at one time. I hear him behind me and manage to scramble under a very daunting willow tree. My back hits the trunk and I realize I have no place to run as he enters my hiding place.**_

_**The man stands six feet tall, his shoulder length ebony hair framed his face, and his indigo eyes sparkled with amusement. I look away, trying to hide my hurt and anger. He walks over and lifts my head, the amusement gone from his face, and looks directly into my eyes.**_

_**"You can not escape me for I am in your blood and your mind. I am the only one who truly cares for you. And if you allow it, I will take care of you forever, my Karah."**_

I awoke to the caterwauling of some band on my alarm clock. It was 7:10 and I am late. I dress in record time and scramble downstairs.

"Donovan, Can I get a ride to school?"

"Well, look who's decided to join us?"

"Shut up Max! Whatever."

"Thanks."

I hurry and get in the back seat as they climb in and start it up. Twenty minutes later, we arrive.

I jump out of the car before it stops moving and rush towards where Gabriel is waiting. I immediately jump into a hug and start whispering in his ear.

"I am sorry. I overslept. Please do not be mad."

He kisses me on the mouth and says in my ear, "We will talk about this later." The tone he uses sends shivers of fear down my spine. As we step apart the five minute bell rings. He walks me to my English class where I give him one more kiss before we part.

"I will see you in history."

I nod and walk inside and take out my poem we were supposed write and get ready to make the presentation.

" Everyone will come up when I call you and present your poem. No exceptions. If you do not have it then it is a zero in the grade book. The first one up is Karah Devine."

"_Let the pain seep out_

_Tear open my skin_

_Let my cries be heard_

_Forgotten truths within_

_Unwanted in this world_

_Rejected mutation_

_A hidden reality_

_A reanimation_

_Tear-stained insomnia _

_Blood-curtailing screams_

_Death becomes appealing_

_Under the mask of dreams_

_A single sharp blade _

_Glistens in the light_

_Whispering screams made_

_In the depths of night_

_Arms covered in blood_

_That spills on to the floor_

_To breathe never again _

_A life nevermore"_

_"Ms. Devine_ the assignment was to write a 20 line poem with a minimum of 4 words that takes a emotion _**you really** _feel. Now your poem fits all but the last criteria, but until you re-do it I am afraid the best I can really give you is a 65. Now I want the assignment on my desk by 3:00 o'clock tomorrow or you fail the assignment and you can't afford that can you."

"No, sir I cannot."

I barley held in my anger. They are such assholes assuming that I cannot feel like this. That my life is so perfect and nothing ever goes wrong so I should not feel anything less than grateful than the life I have.

I go and sit down before I get in more trouble. As the other students read their poems, I wish someone would kill me to end the misery. When the bell rings, I grab my stuff and hurry out of there before Mr. Stanley thinks of anything to keep me after class.

I go to World History and get accused of not paying attention to a video and when Mr. Halls Questions me and I answer all the questions correctly I get detention. After that I go to Biology to get a failing grade on a project because the baseboard was the wrong color.

Psychology I got detention again because I made Mrs. McCracken look like an idiot because I knew more about the subject than she does. In Algebra II, I get another failing grade because I got one number in a decimal problem wrong.

By the time, I got to art I was ready to rip someone' s throat out. I sat down and got out my sketch book, grabbed my cd player and put on some Korn letting loose their hypnotic lyrics letting go of everything.

The dream from last night took over my mind and my hand just started drawing the scenes. I got so lost in my world that the bell ringing caught me off guard. I hurriedly put my sketchbook and pencil into my bag not even b0thering with my c.d. player. I stood and started to rush out door but the world started to go topsy-turvy and my world went black.


End file.
